For the last three months, most of my days and nights have been in bed. For the most part, my spirits have been good. I have a great support system that not only keep me company but they provide care and nurturing. They listen to me, they hear my fears and walk through the ugliness of chemo with me. They help me with all of the practical things required for daily life and are helping me walk through the âbusinessâ side of being sick. (forms, forms, forms)
So for 90% of the time, I have all I need. Today, the 10% is taking me down. I am tired of being in bed, I feel like a burden on others and I feel like I am going down into an emotional black hole. When I am alone, I feel like a five year old who longs for Momâs presence just to know I am safe. As a single woman, I am fortunate to have some significant friendships that fill in the spaces but there are still times when I cry out and no one is there. The rest of the world still has to live their life and my cancer doesnât change that. Yes I know God is always present and always hears my cries. But as real as Godâs presence was yesterday, He is equally silent today.
I understand that a good nightâs sleep, sitting with friends or simply walking through todayâs darkness will usher in another day and most likely the dark cloud will be gone.
However, in the middle of indulging myself in these feelings I have thought about all of the people around me who understand this darkness. For many, it occupies the majority of their life. Do we realize they are there or are we so protected by our Christian friends and Christian activities that we are not listening for their voices? Depression is real and deadly in our culture. People are going down all around us and no one is listening. We spend more time on strategic plans, raising money, following the latest successful church model and arguing over our interpretation of certain passages of scripture than we do looking for the lost sheep that is in danger. If I am to be totally honest, I would be one of the broken and barely functioning, were it not for loving friends and a real grasp of Godâs grace (and Lexapro.)
I heard this song last week and it came to me today in my sadness.
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Today, I am raising my hand saying, it hurts, Iâm not sure everything will turn out like the doctor predicts. I am lonely, I want to be well. I am tired of my limitations, surrender is so hard. Does God really have plans for me to âprosper?â I know lots of great people who love the Lord and they are hurting, broken and bankrupt. God never promised a fairytale ending, in fact He is known as the Man of sorrows. He begged God to change the plan at the last minute and God did not. Today, for me, Christianity is not the easy way out. What will bring me through is that tiny bit of faith that allows me to say, âLord I believe, help me in my unbelief.â I know He will.
Though this blog is a time for me to share my own feelings, more importantly it is a plea to ask you to make a call to someone that you havenât heard from in a long time or someone you know that could be encouraged by your presence. Look into your own world and have eyes to see the people that are falling down. I challenge you to let them know you hear them. I will be cared for 5 minutes after I hit the send button. It is the person who does not have the blog or the support system or intimate friendships that I stand for today. You will find them âunder the shadow of our steeplesâ hoping that someone can see them.
If you are the one going down today, please make a call or make as many calls as you need to until you find someone that can hear you. Most people do care, we just become self absorbed in our small world about things that donât really matter. Do not buy into the lie, that you do not matter. Raise your hand with me today and keep calling until someone comes. I am praying for you right now. I know you are out there. Do not lose hope. Godâs mercies are new every morning. We can do this a day at a time.
Oh, and by the way, to my Christian friendsâ¦ itâs probably not the best day to send me Romanâs 8:28.
Loving every one of you as a fellow traveler on the journey.
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.